Over 20 years ago, my hairdresser wanted me to colour my hair. I told her that grey hair was a “crown of splendour or glory” (Proverbs 16:31). She definitely didn’t get it. :) I didn’t argue, but I did decline the colour. (Absolutely no judgement whatsoever if you colour your hair, though!) I got my first grey hair at 17 and, through the years, I complained mightily about going grey early. I wanted my long black hair back. But then I would see someone with no hair who was on chemotherapy and it was a reality check. Well, now that is my reality, and I would absolutely love to have my grey hair back!
When I saw two clumps of hair on the towel last Saturday, I started to sob. Steve came running upstairs and cried with me. But just before and as it was happening, I was worshipping with songs on a random Spotify radio playlist. They were not songs I had chosen to play. And yet the two songs that played were ones that have been very significant so far in this cancer journey. I marvel that God had them playing at that exact moment.
“Do You remember how Mary was grieving?... Could it be that You're weeping with me?
Arise, O Lord, and save me There's nowhere else to go…. Somehow this sorrow is shaping my heart like it should And You're always good, always good…. This heartache is moving me closer than joy ever could…
My God, my God, be near me There's nowhere else to go…
Will You help us to trust Your intentions for us are still good 'Cause You laid down Your life And You suffered like I never could
You're always good, always good…”. Andrew Peterson, italics added
And then…
And now we have another duo. Not just pain and praise, grief and gratitude. Add weeping and worship. I’m sure you all can relate, too, as we are all facing this worldwide pandemic together, especially over Easter weekend.
So I had Steve cut my hair off and then use the clippers to shave my head. We both sobbed. I honestly think Steve has cried more in the last 2 ½ months than he has in the last 2 ½ decades. Before my hair loss, he came to me and said he had a great idea…he would shave his head and moustache as well in solidarity with me. We held each other and we both cried. And then I got kind of mad and said “No way! Somebody has to be normal around here, and it obviously has to be you. Pleeeeeease don’t shave your head!”
I told my spiritual director how I dreaded losing my hair and mentioned about it being a crown of glory or splendour, and she suggested I look in Scripture for a new crown. What a great idea! This is what I found…
“And now the prize awaits me—the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will give me on the day of his return. And the prize is not just for me but for all who eagerly look forward to his appearing.” 2 Tim 4:8
“God blesses those who patiently endure testing and temptation. Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.” James 1:12. And the same crown in Revelation 2:10: “Don’t be afraid of what you are about to suffer. The devil will throw some of you into prison to test you. You will suffer... But if you remain faithful even when facing death, I will give you the crown of life.”
“…my dear brothers and sisters, stay true to the Lord. I love you and long to see you, dear friends, for you are my joy and the crown I receive for my work” Philippians 4:1. Along with: “…what gives us hope and joy, and what will be our proud reward and crown as we stand before our Lord Jesus when he returns? It is you! Yes, you are our pride and joy.” 1 Thess. 2:19-20 The thought that the people we minister to and with, our spiritual brothers and sisters, are going to be our crown someday when we stand before Jesus just blows my mind. And that we will be the part of the crown for those who have ministered to and with us!
And someday, “…the Lord Almighty will be a glorious crown, a beautiful wreath for the remnant of his people.” Isaiah 28:5. Wow. God himself will be a crown!
And I sure hope I am a crown to my husband. :) “A wife of noble character is her husband’s crown, but a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bones.” Prov. 12:4
And guess what God did in the midst of my loss and grief? He had me read in Revelation 7: 9-10 “After this I saw a vast crowd, too great to count, from every nation and tribe and people and language, standing in front of the throne and before the Lamb. They were clothed in white robes and held palm branches in their hands. And they were shouting with a great roar, ‘Salvation comes from our God who sits on the throne and from the Lamb!’” (I will attach a simple little painting I did to help me remember this passage.) What a great perspective change! What an honour! To be in ministry from our home even in isolation; to be able to tell people about Jesus. Someday, there will be people in heaven from every nation, tribe, people, and language and we have had a small part in that, along with many of you! It makes me think of this week’s video Bible study on Zoom with eight of us originating from five nations!
And now for what seems like a miracle… I got a call last Sunday, Palm Sunday, from the home health care system telling me they would finish my chemo at home! (At a previous appointment with the oncologist, it sounded like this would not be likely.) I have one more, my second one, at the hospital this Tuesday, 14 April. It would have been Monday, but it’s a national holiday here. The first two chemo days are at the hospital in case I have an allergic reaction to one of the drugs. But then the last four chemotherapy sessions, each one three weeks apart, will be here at home with a nurse! All being well, I should finish 9 July. Thank you, thank you for praying. It’s such a relief to know that I can go ahead with all of the recommended chemo.
Please pray…
· For protection from COVID19 in the hospital on Tuesday and also in the following weeks and months.
· For the chemotherapy to be effective, killing any cancer cells that might be left in me.
· For my body to tolerate it as well as possible. To not have a bad reaction to it.
· For protection for our children, their spouses, and Josh’s girlfriend from COVID19. Everyone is working mostly from home except our son-in-law, Christopher, a police officer in Wichita, KS. Please pray for safety for him and our daughter, Kristy.
· That we would both use well every ministry opportunity during this time.
Still safe because I am in God’s hands. Because my future in heaven with Him is secure, no matter what happens to me or around me. To God be all the glory, honour, and praise.
Debbie Cowles